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Freedom From Cybersex

1. "Can I Stop?"

Here at Gay Men's Counseling we receive a lot of email from guys worried about out-of-control Internet sexual behavior.

Many of you share your concerns about lost weekends viewing Internet pornography or over-involvement in sex chat and webcam masturbation.

You ask why it's so tough to reduce or eliminate this activity on your own. And you want to know if counseling can help?

In response, here is our Gay Men's Counseling overview on the subject of cybersex over-involvement. We hope you can use these ideas to free yourself, if that's what you want, from cybersex.

"Is counseling necessary to reduce my involvement?"

Often men ask if working with a professional counselor is necessary to reduce their participation in cybersex. We believe it helps but isn't an absolute requirement. Freeing yourself from cybersex involves uncomplicated behavioral changes that you can achieve on your own.

What counseling can do is keep you honest. Like most guys, you will probably find it easier to follow through on intentions when you know you'll be asked about your progress at your next online or face-to-face counseling session.

A counselor will also help you focus on strategies that actually work. For example, if you find yourself breaking for the 100th time your heartfelt resolution never to engage again in webcam masturbation, then the time has come to give up resolution-making as a meaningful strategy.

On the other hand, if you've noticed that visiting a friend—or going out for pizza—takes the edge off porn craving, then it's probably a good idea to try to get out more.

The idea here is to do more of what actually works.

A counselor will also support you if and when you experience setbacks. Good counselors know that successful outcomes are less about perfection than achieving incremental gains. Over time, others have successfully reduced or eliminated their participation in Internet sex. Why not you?

2. "Is It An Addiction?"

At Gay Men's Counseling, we are cautious about using diagnostic phrases such as "sexual addiction." We believe that employing medical-sounding jargon to describe everyday behavior makes it harder for people to change.

Diagnostic terms entrance people into seeing themselves as victims of mysterious "disorders" that require complex theories and treatments to understand and "cure." We think it's preferable to describe behavior in ways that reduce confusion and stimulate clients to think of practical alternatives.

Therefore, if you wish to use the term "addiction" to describe your interest in Internet sex, please feel free to do so.

But we prefer to use more neutral terms such as "habit" or "behavior"—terms that suggest that, with effort and experimentation, more personally-desired behavior can be substituted.

"If not an addiction, should it at least be seen as a problem?"

Of course not. If you enjoy Internet sex involving individuals of legal age and have no interest in changing this activity, you don't need to be reading this.

Men who do wish to reduce or eliminate their participation in cybersex are those who see this behavior as problematic. Some regret the often large amounts of time involved and wish to do other things. Others want to trade electronic sex for the real thing. Still others notice that cybersex has become a distraction to avoid dealing with school or work pressures or relationship difficulties.

Sometimes it is not the man himself but his boyfriend or live-in partner who sees the behavior as a problem. Often the partner—and sometimes even the man himself—views cybersex as a form of infidelity and presses the man to change.

If you are in this latter category, you will need to think carefully about your motivation. If you are seeking only to please your partner and have no genuine interest in modifying your behavior, it is unlikely that you will be successful, even with a counselor's help.

On the other hand, if you agree that electronic sex is impacting negatively on your relationship and you wish to change not only for your partner's sake but also for your own, then success is possible.

One final issue must be mentioned. If you are consuming Internet pornography or participating in chat room or webcam sex that involves underage individuals, you are committing a crime and could find yourself in serious legal difficulty. Furthermore, information that you share with a counselor regarding sexual activity with minors is not protected by client-counselor confidentiality and must be reported by the counselor to authorities.

Modifying behavior that involves sexual interest in or sexual activity with children lies beyond the expertise of Gay Men's Counseling. Assistance should be sought from a mental health practitioner who specializes in pedophilia. Although we do not maintain a list of such practitioners, referrals could be obtained from a community mental health team in your area.

3. "What Can I Do?"

Before we answer, please keep in mind that we favor a heuristic rather than algorithmic approach to problem-solving. This means we prefer clients to generate their own solutions based on personal circumstances, including history, resources and personally meaningful goals.

In contrast, the more traditional algorithmic approach involves a counselor-generated roadmap that clients are expected to follow closely. Although most clients are disappointed—at least at first—when their counselor declines to deliver a roadmap, we believe the algorithmic approach results in slower progress and less successful outcomes.

And so, while we won't offer you a prescription, we can suggest a process to lead you to your own solution. First you are asked to construct a detailed scenario of what an improvement to your cybersex problem would look like. Then you are encouraged to work immediately toward your described improvement.

It helps to write your description in a journal or at least to discuss it with another person. However, if you are able to have a conversation with yourself and can picture your scenario clearly in your mind, that's OK too.

Step 1: Describe in detail what an improvement will look like

Asking yourself the following questions will help you to be specific. And please feel free to construct your own questions. The idea is to paint as three-dimensional a picture as you can of the first glimmer of an improvement.

Also remember not to look for perfection. Develop a clear picture of what a small and attainable improvement will look like instead of an idealized portrait that might prove hard for you to believe in. Answer the questions with as much concrete detail as you can. The more specific and measurable your description, the more useful it will be:

• How will the improvement first show itself?
• How specifically will you know that even a small improvement has occurred?
• How will others recognize this improvement?
• How specifically will your daily routine change when an improvement occurs?
• How will your mood and feelings change when an improvement makes itself known?
• What will others notice about this change in your mood and feelings?
• Where will you be when the improvement first appears?
• Will anything be different about your environment when the improvement occurs?
• What will you be doing when the improvement takes place?
• Who will be with you when the change happens?
• At what specific time of day will the improvement occur?
• Will anything be different about the specific moment when the improvement first shows itself?

4. The First Small Steps

Step 2: Describe in detail your first steps toward improvement

Try now to translate your descriptions of improvement into specific steps you can begin to take. Here again, be modest and realistic. On a scale of 1 to 10, if 10 represents the improvement and 1 represents your position at the moment, what can you do to get yourself to a 2?

Try to describe your first steps in positive terms, focusing on what you will do rather than what you won't do. Once again, answer the questions with as much concrete and measurable detail as you can:

• How many hours or days will it take you to reach level 2?
• What will you change in your environment to make a 2 more likely to occur?
• How will you change your daily routine to arrive more quickly at a 2?
• What's the easiest thing you can do right now to speed up the process of getting to a 2?
• What's the most challenging obstacle you will overcome right now to pave the way to a 2?
• How will you know when you have reached a 2?
• What will others notice about you when you are operating at a 2?
• What specific differences will occur in your surroundings when you achieve a 2?
• What will you do to make a 2 more likely to occur?
• What will you notice about your mood when you reach a 2?
• Where will you be when the 2 first appears?
• Who will be with you when you reach a 2?
• At what specific time of day will the 2 take place?
• Who will you tell about reaching a 2 and how will you describe to them the difference it has made to you?
• For how long will you be able to maintain a 2?
• What's the first thing you will now do to prepare to reach level 2?

Step 3: Describe times when cybersex has less of a hold

Undesired behavior ebbs and flows depending on personal circumstances. Starting at your earliest period of regular Internet access, try to remember moments when you have experienced a modest or even significant reduction of cybersex involvement.

Such moments are therapeutic goldmines because, if we can figure out what contributed to spontaneous improvements in the past, we can use the information to develop problem-reduction strategies in the present.

Ask yourself:

• What were you doing differently when an improvement occurred?
• What was different about your personal environment when an improvement made an appearance?
• What was different about your daily routine when the improvement took place?
• Who were you with when the improvement occurred?
• How did others know that the improvement had happened?
• What differences did others notice about you when the improvement showed itself?
• Where did the improvement occur?
• At what specific time of day did the improvement take place?
• What did you do differently to create conditions for the improvement to occur?
• What was different about occasions and situations during which an improvement took place?
• How long did improvement last?
• What was the longest time that an improvement lasted?
• What was different about the time that the improvement lasted longest?
• Is there anything you can do now to replicate conditions that contributed to an improvement in the past?

5. Do More Of What Works

Step 4: Try out behaviors that worked in the past

When you have described an improvement in three-dimensional detail and have thought carefully about the circumstances in which you have achieved both past and present gains, do more of what seems to work.

Keep in mind, however, that you are aiming for improvement, not perfection. When you succeed at getting to a 2, try next to remain somewhat longer at 2. Then see if you can achieve a 2.5.

As soon as possible, establish a daily self-assessment routine. Each evening, decide what number on the 1 to 10 scale you would assign in regard to your cybersex activity for that day. In this case, 1 stands for your most active participation in Internet sex and 10 stands for a complete absence of even a mild craving to participate.

It also helps to use a graph to plot your scores from day to day. You can use a computerized spreadsheet program such as Excel to create easily such a graph. A graph allows you to view your overall progress at a glance and also reinforces an encouraging feeling of success when gains are made. However, some men simply post their scores on a calendar. Again, whatever works is fine.

After you have assigned yourself a daily score, it is very important to analyze what you did to achieve the score. Ask yourself the following questions and feel free to make up other questions that occur to you:

• What did you do specifically today to achieve this number?
• At what specific times today did you do something that accounts for this number?
• Who were you with when you achieved this number?
• Where did you go today that contributed to you achieving this number?
• What did others notice you doing that accounts for this number?
• What was different about your daily routine that accounts for the number?
• Was was different about your personal environment that accounts for the number?
• What was different about your mood that accounts for the number?
• When did you know for certain that you would achieve an improvement today?
• What do you need to do tomorrow to maintain an improvement?
• What do you need to do tomorrow to achieve a slightly better score than you did today?
• What was the easiest thing you did today that contributed to this score?
• What was your biggest challenge in achieving this score?
• Tomorrow, what people should you spend time with or what activities should you participate in that will help you maintain the gains you have achieved today?
• What can you do more of tomorrow to maintain this score?
• What can you change tomorrow to achieve even a slight improvement in your score?

6. Take Setbacks in Stride

Step 5: Don't panic if progress falters

Let's face it: Crap happens and setbacks occur. Therefore, if and when you experience a day or even weeks of very low scores, view the setback against the improvements you have previously made.

Remember, you have worked hard to envision improvement. You have gathered a great deal of information about what helps to achieve moderate gains. Implicitly, you have even begun to substitute behavior that doesn't work with strategies that do.

You have probably also succeeded in achieving scores above 1 for several days or longer. This means you already know a lot and have succeeded in putting this knowledge into practice. You also know what to do now to begin achieving improvements again.

Furthermore, if you look carefully, you can probably detect gains even within the present setback. For example, in your most recent cybersex session, did you participate for as long as usual? If not, what did you do differently to bring it to a faster conclusion?

If you are reading this on your computer during a setback period, what caused you to surf to this web page rather than to a porn or masturbation site? In other words, even now you can ask yourself what you've done to achieve a minor improvement over total cybersex immersion.

Remember: When you experience a setback, simply go back to behavior that works.

So relax. Have compassion for yourself. And try now to do something that you know for sure will raise your score to a 1.5 or higher.

And if not today, you will certainly succeed tomorrow or the following day. And you will be accessing the same desire for change that brought you to this web page in the first place.

It is a mindset that is pushing you to begin or to resume the hard work of reducing and even eliminating your cybersex involvement. It is your strongest ally, a daily insistence that, with the right effort, gains are inevitable.

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