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Couples Counseling

	1. Keeping hope alive
	2. Listening & taking responsibility
	3. Balancing love & achievement

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3. Balancing love & achievement

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Do gay couples face different relationship challenges than lesbians?

Counselor: In some ways, yes. Men and women are socialized differently in our culture and this has had an impact on gay and lesbian relationships.

In broad terms, North American men—gay or straight—are encouraged to focus on autonomy rather than intimacy. Meanwhile, women are trained to define themselves in terms of relationship but not independence.

As a result, research shows that lesbians are better than gay men in initiating and sustaining romantic relationships. They report more likelihood to be in relationships and to stay in them longer. On the other hand, they have more trouble than gays in maintaining a separate identity in relationships.

Men are more likely to struggle with disengagement—with poor communication and neglect of the relationship in the pursuit of outside achievement. Women often grapple with enmeshment—with fusing into each other and losing a sense of themselves as separate individuals with goals and aspirations outside the relationship.

But these are only general patterns. Many gay men are quite skilled at balancing intimacy and autonomy and so are many lesbians.

What are some of the relationship issues facing gay men?

The three most common problems are sex, money and household chores. But these are often symptoms of more complicated underlying issues.

For example, sexual difficulties are often linked to hidden resentments, communication breakdown, internalized homophobia or the avoidance of vulnerability. Conflicts about money are associated with mistrust or with competition for status and power. With household management conflict, you often see a struggle for control—maybe one or both of the guys is trying to have everything his own way.

In some ways, the trick is to get a clear view of the vulnerability—in both ourselves and our partners—that almost always hides behind aggravating behavior. When we recognize our vulnerability, we sometimes find the generosity we need to give up some of our demands.

Can counseling always save a relationship?

Unfortunately, not always. But even in a worst case scenario, counseling can help in the negative sense that one or both of the men can clarify for themselves that the relationship no longer works and that they wish to leave. On the other hand, many men conclude that, for all their storms and stresses, they can't imagine life without each other.

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