Couples Counseling Page 2 - Listening & Taking Responsibility- GAY MEN'S COUNSELING

What is counseling? | How does counseling help? | The counseling process| Couples counseling

	1. Keeping hope alive
	2. Listening & taking responsibility
	3. Balancing love & achievement

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2. Listening & taking responsibility

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Can counseling provide a couple with better tools to manage conflict?

Counselor: Definitely. For example, when a man has learned to listen better so that his partner feels understood, he finds that his partner is much more willing to listen to him.

Men can also learn to communicate in ways that encourage mutuality rather than defensiveness. Instead of blaming his partner, a man can focus on himself and learn to behave in a less demanding or aggressive way.

Men can also notice how they push their partners into objectionable behavior.

For example, when a man wishes to avoid something, he may try to distract his partner by provoking him. If the partner asks an inconvenient question, for example, the man might stonewall, knowing this drives his partner crazy. The frustrated partner then tries even harder to force a reply, perhaps by escalating into an attack. But the attack may paradoxically serve the purposes of the first man. No longer does the first man have to deal with the original question. Now he can complain of the "injury" he has suffered because of the attack.

Of course, a man who repeatedly tries to force his partner into unwelcome responses, such as answering third-degree questions, also has a problem. He needs to ask himself: "Am I getting what I want by forcing the issue? Is my partner likely to answer if I attack him?" Clearly it's his responsibility to be less demanding.

We influence each other all the time. One psychologist has called it a dance: one leads, the other follows. Then the music changes and the roles reverse.

By recognizing these processes, we can learn to be more responsible for ourselves and less critical of our partners. Sometimes this even has the effect of influencing our partners to act more responsibly too.

Is counseling single people different from counseling a couple?

Counselor: The short answer is that single guys are looking to develop the skills to find Mr. Right. But couples are worried that they're on the verge of becoming single again. So for almost everyone the goal is similar: to find and nurture a loving partnership.

In terms of process, a major difference is that singles counseling focuses on what has happened outside the consultation room. Singles describe interactions with significant others, but the counselor doesn't have an opportunity to witness events or to compare the client's version with what actually occurred.

With couples, relationship dynamics are on view right in the office. So a counselor focuses much more on what is happening here and now. This provides a more vivid understanding of the clients' situation, which helps a lot in tailoring effective interventions.

Next: 3. Balancing love & achievement

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