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Article printed from GAY MEN'S COUNSELING: http://www.GayMensCounselling.com HTML version available at: http://www.GayMensCounselling.com/coming.html | |
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Coming out |
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1. Pre-coming out Coming out is the process whereby individuals identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered (LGBT) and begin to share this identity with others. Many descriptions of coming out have been proposed by researchers. Though intended to describe both men and women, coming out models are based on observations of white middle-class males and don’t fully describe female, economically-disadvantaged and non-white experience. In addition, models are based on previous generations. Today, coming out often occurs at an earlier age and usually unfolds more rapidly. Coming out is complicated by anti-gay bias. It also occurs over an extensive period, probably a lifetime. Troiden’s model is typical, involving stages of a) sensitization or pre-coming out, b) identity confusion, c) identity assumption and d) identity commitment. Sensitization or pre-coming out The sensitization or pre-coming out stage encompasses the pre-gay period before puberty. During this time, many sexual minority individuals report have experienced a sense of marginality or "feeling different" from same-gendered peers, possibly because of androgynous or cross-gendered role behaviors. This sense of difference is commonly experienced as personal inadequacy, using gender rather than sexual metaphors. For example, a male child may come to believe that he is not “a real boy.” This feeling of insufficiency seems to be based on isolation and a lack of socialization in homosexual identity. Unlike racial minority children, for example, pre-gay individuals are not prepared by their parents for minority status. Instead, like all children, they are socialized according to heterosexual gender-role expectations. 2. Identity confusion The identity confusion stage emerges at adolescence when the individual realizes that some of his or her feelings and behaviors could be understood as homosexual. A period of anxiety and confusion begins, when the possibility of being gay clashes with a heterosexual self-image. Being different may now mean being sexually different, a realization that, given social prejudice, is often distressing. At this stage, LGBT adolescents commonly experience isolation because of the social taboo that discourages discussion of same-sex desires with family or peers. Either emotionally or physically, adolescents may also withdraw from close contact with others because of their sense of difference and absent heterosexual interest. Some adolescents may pursue a strategy of deception, in which they simulate heterosexual interest and vigilantly self-monitor to hide their secret homosexual desires. Identity confusion may continue until late adolescence or beyond. Many individuals, unable to accept a stigmatized identity that seems to preclude membership in other social categories and institutions (sometimes even their family of origin) may avoid intimacy or try to behave heterosexually. Hence, there may be a “postponement of adolescence” until the individual’s 20s or later, when he or she feels more prepared to complete the process of homosexual identity formation, including development and maturation of erotic and intimacy capacities. 3. Identity assumption The identity assumption stage occurs during or after adolescence, when the individual accepts a sexual minority identity. This becomes possible when the categories "homosexual" or "gay" or "lesbian" etc. have been been sufficiently destigmatized that the individual accepts membership in them. Destigmatization is facilitated by positive contact with other sexual minority individuals—few lesbians or gays self-identify as homosexual without direct contact with one or more LGBT counterparts. If identity assumption occurs during adolescence, a youth will generally choose to remain in a hostile heterosexual mainstream or seek support in the adult gay or lesbian community. Researchers speculate that a significant number of sexual minority youth leave home early to pursue the latter course, possibly resulting in a premature assumption of adult responsibilities. Identity management also becomes an issue for self-labeled sexual minority youth since, without emotional and financial independence, indiscriminate disclosure may be risky. For example, many educators and mental health professionals discourage adolescents from coming out to family members if they are financially dependent and can reasonably expect a hostile reaction. 4. Identity commitment This final stage consolidates the process of adopting homosexuality as a way of life. For many, the experience of a same-sex love relationship marks the beginning of identity commitment. Even at this stage, identity management continues to be an issue, with many individuals perceiving a need to hide their sexual orientation from significant others such as employers or co-workers, while at the same time weighing the benefits of disclosure in order to prevent false expectations on the part of associates. Few individuals disclose to everyone. Other issues In addition to sequential stages, other concerns also bear upon coming out. These include the issue of grieving for a lost heterosexual self, though with increased social acceptance of LGBT minorities, this is changing. Socialized as heterosexual, youth when coming out not only reach for something new, but also give up normative aspirations such as heterosexual marriage, children and grandchildren. Again, with legalized gay marriage in countries such as Canada and Spain and with an increasing number of gay and lesbian couples raising biological or adopted children, this is also changing. Still, it remains true that many sexual minority youth must sometimes deal with grieving the death of what they once believed they were. Related to the issue of symbolic death is the fear of actual death from Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Some researchers argue that coming out is complicated by the worry of contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease. However, others believe that fear of AIDS does not interfere with coming out, possibly because of improved public perception of the gay community. 5. Sissy boys; family disclosure Another issue not covered by coming out models involves so-called sissy boys—gender-nonconforming males whom commentators describe as one of the most persecuted subgroups within the sexual minority community. Typically, gender nonconforming females do not attract the same hostility as sissies, especially during childhood. And the sissy faces neglect not only by the school system but by the adult gay male community because of its desire to avoid stereotyping gay male youth. Some researchers believe that a large percentage of gay men were sissies in childhood, but try to eliminate cross-gender characteristics as they assume adulthood, a process which has been called defeminization. Some believe that, despite facing greater childhood hostility than gender conformers, sissies may complete developmental tasks more successfully than gay male youth who are able to pass as heterosexual. This is because sissies frequently seek early contact with the LGBT community. On the other hand, coming out at an earlier age and seeking sanctuary in the gay male community may interact with the usual demands of adolescence, resulting in an over-burdening of development pressures. Finally, there is the complex issue of family disclosure. On the one hand, individuals who do not disclose are described as half-members of the family, alienated and afraid. On the other hand, disclosure may precipitate a new series of stressors, including a) adverse parental and sibling reaction, b) a triggering of suppressed family anger not specifically related to sexual orientation, c) a need for the whole family to grieve the lost heterosexual identity and d) a frequent requirement to support parents at a time when sexual minority youth are themselves in need of parental support. Still, these are complications probably experienced only by a minority of individuals. Though coming out is sometimes a struggle, the majority of individuals adjust successfully to LGBT identity commitment. Sources:
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